Archive for the 'Funny' Category
Officer Jerry Watkins

Is anyone else tired of saving the world? How about playing the part of a renegade and/or former black-ops commando out for revenge/the truth?

Someday, I hope to play a game where I’m not saving the world. Someday, I hope that a video game manufacturer can imbue the everyday with some excitement as well without requiring universal stakes. Failing that, I’d just like to play something ordinary but new to me.

For example, I’d like to play the part of Officer Jerry Watkins, a medium-size town cop who plays by all the rules. I want him to be in the middle of an unexceptional career on the police force. I want to conduct a by-the-book investigation of a series of thefts of small electronics and jewelry from some middle class homes in the suburbs. I want to painstakingly follow police evidence procedure. I want to doggedly follow lead after dead-end lead until finally I catch up to the petty criminal responsible for the crimes I’m investigating. I want to arrest him at his apartment after the backup I called for arrives, but I want the backup to turn out to be unnecessary. I want him to come quietly, be convicted of petty theft and to serve 2 years of a five-year sentence before being released on parole.

The overall stakes of the game should be the everyday rivalry between me and Officer Stanton, because both of us can’t get that promotion that the LT mentioned.

Perhaps there could be a subplot where my 14-year-old son is caught shoplifting.

If you draw your gun during the course of the investigation, it’s Game Over.

There should be no soundtrack.

Figure One

Many years ago, I ran across an ASCII drawing of a raised middle finger. It was labeled “Figure 1.” The accompanying text directed the reader to “see Figure 1.”

This whole concept so delighted me that since then, I haven’t been able to see the phrase “see Figure 1” without thinking of flipping someone the bird.


In your own time, Langford.

I’ve lived in this apartment for a little over three months, now.

This week I unpacked many (most? maybe.) of my moving boxes.   Not all, mind you, but I have emptied almost all of the cardboard.  I still have some plastic crates, but I’m keeping those, so they don’t really count.

White Zone/Red Zone Dichotomy

Male announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a red zone.
Female announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a red zone.
Male announcer: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in a white zone.
Female announcer: No, the white zone is for loading. Now, there is no stopping in a RED zone.
Male announcer: The red zone has always been for loading.
Female announcer: Don’t you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for unloading.
Male announcer: Look Betty, don’t start up with your white zone shit again. There’s just no stopping in a white zone.


My day started at 03:15 EST and ended at about 22:00 PST. There were two flights and numerous bus and plane rides during the course of the day.

Some events of the day:

  • There was another guy with a Macbook right across the aisle from me on the first flight. I reached up and tapped him on the shoulder; when he turned around I held up my Macbook. He grinned and gave me the thumbs-up. I grinned back and we both proceeded to Mac it up for an our or so. After we landed and the all-clear was given to use cell phones, he pulled out a Treo. I pulled out mine and tapped him on the shoulder again. Good taste, that man.
  • There was a diabetic guy on my second flight that had some sort of raised-blood-sugar episode on the plane after putting all of his medications in his checked luggage. I actually got to hear the “is there a doctor on board” phrase. He was alive when the PDX EMTs wheeled him off the plane and I’m guessing he’s probably ok, now.
  • I was on the MAX (Portland’s light-rail system) heading west into downtown when a guy got yanked off of the train by MAX’s security. He was clearly drunk and singing, loudly and badly, Kansas’s Carry On My Wayward Son, among other classic rock songs that he was apparently listening to on his headphones.
  • I got picked up from PDX airport by Andrea, an old friend from UF.
  • I picked up the keys to the apartment that I had leased, unseen, back in December. Unfurnished means, among other things, no bed, no chair and no shower curtain.
  • I bought a bed today. This turned out to be a non-trivial outing, especially considering the constant drizzle, my unfamiliarity with TriMet and the relatively remote location of the bed store. Mom helped by calling around and locating a store that would give me a good deal. The Army helped by providing me with the fortitude to stay upright and coherent even though I was exhausted and still suffering from a fairly enervating cold. Directly behind the bed store was a Target, where I obtained a shower curtain and some toilet paper. And some very hot soup in a breadbowl. The bread was low quality but the dough was very sour. In Maryland, it was high quality bread but you couldn’t really tell it was supposed to be sourdough. Anyway, the bed won’t be delivered until Saturday so I’m sleeping on the floor tonight.

I just found this post on my SU page, originally titled (and dated) Jan 8, 2006 3:40am:

I just spent seven straight hours providing technical supervision over two sites that were trying to accomplish something. It didn’t go well. I had the following conversation several times:

me: Ok, ::site A::, without changing any settings on anything, please tell me what the current value of ::setting B:: is on ::equipment C::. I’m serious about not changing anything. No, really.

site A: Ok, we broke out the D&D dice, rolled a new value for ::setting Q:: and entered it on ::equipment J,R,Z and 5:: as you directed. Now our coffee maker doesn’t beep anymore when you press the buttons. Woof! I’m a cow.

me: Don’t make me come down there.

site A: huh? what did *we* do?

site B: hey, are we site L or site M? I forget.

me: hey, do you mind if I curl up under my desk and cry quietly to myself for about three days?

my supervisor: ahh, what the hell. go ahead.

When someone says that a relaxing massage or a quiet drink takes “the edge off,” what has its edge removed? I don’t know, but the last seven hours put an ugly, sharp, jagged edge onto it for me.

Keep in mind that these were Army satellite communication sites. “Army Strong.” Nobody said anything about “Army Smart.”

The title, for those not in the know, means, “Put a qualified operator on the line.”

the n00z

Ah, yes. The Onion.

Whether they’re working to bring us the facts about a recent study of the effect of multiple stab wounds on monkeys or reminding those of us in uniform why we fight, The Onion is truly great.

Thank you, Mr. Barnes.

Television is the first truly democratic culture – the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.

-Clive Barnes